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Hello. It's B. basically pessimistic. occasional suicidal. outcast. im no sunshine and blue skies, it's rainy days, gray and uncertainty. r a n d o m.. into kpop, few bandoms, and basketball. 910930 |
Saturday, March 29, 2014 @ 5:51 PM ( suicidal intuitions and long distance relationships )
one reason why i decided to put up this
blog—archiving nothing from the past ones; to have that feeling of
starting anew. and finally to let go of the baggage behind. but will i,
really?
a few days back, i went a little “crazy”. i
probably woke up on the bad-side of the bed. i was troubled, vexed..on
to what?why? i couldn’t point out.
they were calling me for breakfast, but i didn’t move. i was hungry,yes..i just did not want to eat. they took it as “she’s-not-in-the-mood-so-let-her-be-moment" again… ‘cos me not eating isn’t something new to them anymore, i have those moments. but what they thought the usual "locking-up-not-eating-charade" i was putting on that day has a different story.i was actually a bit unwell. and scared. i had a bad dream, too morbid for my liking. :( worst is, it keeps on playing on my mind, over and over and over which is disturbing. like urging me to make it happen in real life. im feeling suicidal rn lola little distraction. — since i stopped schooling, “meeting new friends" was gone on the list of my life’s routine. social circle went thinner, thinner then gone. 'til KPOP fandom happened. what started with crushing over superjunior’s donghae (cos he looked like prince troy on neorago), getting addicted with you’re beautiful & a.n.jell, curiosity over “we got married: yongseo" and admiring that tall girl from girls’generation named sooyoung, will actually build a bridge from my dying social life into a new world, all thanks to textclans and sns. i’ve always been the weird one. growing up in a small (& close knit) community; were you mingle with the same people everyday, is like living in a comfortable box. life was simple. and childhood was easy. but then adolescence happens. so stepping out from that and being a stranger and different and losing that familiarity and comfortability became the biggest adjustment as i go through highschool. which most of it was spent on trying to fit in. someone invisible to many is having peer-pressure issues. so there’s always that wanting to belong and be part of the group. and i thought i did. years later, i found out i was not in the class picture. it was like a slap in the face. guess i’m always be that odd one out. the “outcast”. i stopped schooling. there was no-one to hangout. then i started fangirling. it was like highschool all over again. i’m never good on interacting with strangers. been always awkward on first meeting. but what’s different between highschool & kpop was that the fandom seems to be always welcome and open for everyone, and anyone. i found a new comfortable box i could be in again. i din’t have to try to fit in, i just — belonged. im feeling suicidal rn loldespite dissolved textclans and deactivated sns accounts, there were replies. messages from people i haven’t met personally, but had gained friendship through pop music and culture originated on a country 1,754 miles away from the philippines. people i could only recall by their sns names, dp, and biases. they replied. and they were asking, worried, concerned, bothered and some were trying to pull me out from the dumps. guess i wasn’t really alone after all. i was grateful. but that night, i draw lines on my wrist again. — the next day, it was a different mood. i felt better. a little better. i regret most were the lines on my wrist, it’s painful. and i’m hungry, very very hungry. it rained that day, i had noodles. then eventually poured on all my shit to yubin. i told her the worries, the frustrations and she told me i’m a wonderful person, we haven’t met and so i shouldn’t die yet. ily bb xoxo.. some might think that that was just an attention-seeking-kind-of-stunt. probably. but it was me, just well uhm unwell like that one in the song. i was scared and frustrated and confused. it was a time where i badly needed comfort and warm hugs. but distance is a bitch. but it is more that i had realized i have friends somewhere out there. and to meet them on a concert venue, singing along our biases’ songs would be something i want to experience. all of that after a messed up day, a long talk; i found a new goal to aim. Labels: personal |